The Column of Lasting Insignificance: September 10, 2011
by John Wilcock
The following column previously
just after the 9/11 disaster
Holds a Press Conference
NEW YORK: Responding to current events on earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, on Monday angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other.
“LOOK, I DON’T KNOW, maybe I haven’t made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again,” said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion, during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. “Somehow people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don’t. And to be really honest, I’m really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but specifically command you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand.”
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called “an unending cycle of violence.”
“I don’t care how holy somebody claims to be,” God said. “If a person tells you it’s My will that they kill someone, They’re wrong. Got it? I don’t care what religion you are or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else’s, ever again.”
The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely interferes in earthly affairs. As a matter of long-standing policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plain was motivated by the deep shock, outrage, and sorrow he felt over the violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential and continuing ramifications around the globe.
“I TRIED TO PUT IT in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you’d get it straight because I thought it was pretty important,” said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. “I guess I’d figured I’d left no room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?”
“But somehow it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody’s spouting some nonsense about, ‘God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it’s God’s will,’” God continued. “It’s not God’s will, all right? News flash: ‘God‘s will’ equals ‘Don’t murder people.’”
Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur’an.
“TO BE HONEST, there’s some contradictory stuff in there, okay?” God said, “So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it — my Bad. I did my best to inspire them but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn my head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus and everybody thinks it’s God‘s will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall.”
God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as “wonderful pious people,” calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks “rare exceptions.”
“This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason,” God said. “There’s no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those bigots on The 700 Club”.
Continued God, “Read the book, ‘Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.’ It goes on and on that way, page after page. But no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap, just to further their own hateful agenda. So now everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain.”
God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at all whose ideological zealotry overrides their ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.
“I DON’T CARE what faith you are, everybody’s been making the same mistakes since the dawn of times,” God said. “The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews — don’t get me started on the hard-line, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians?
You people believe in a Messiah who says ‘Turn the other cheek,’ but you’ve been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades.”
Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: “Can’t you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism…every religious belief system under the sun, they are all saying you are supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It’s not that hard a concept to grasp.”
“Why would you think I want anything else? Humans don’t need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other — you’ve been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!” God said. “The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?”
“I’M TALKING TO all of you here,” continued God. His voice rising to a shout. “Do you hear Me? I don’t want you to kill anybody. I’m against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don’t kill each other anymore — ever. I’m fucking serious!”
Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God’s shoulders began to shake, and He wept.
[from the Ojai Orange, November 2001, author unknown]