by John Wilcock

“Any individual who is able to raise [enough money] to be considered presidential is not going to be much use to the people at large. He will represent… whatever moneyed entities are paying for him… Hence, the sense of despair throughout the land as incomes fall, businesses fail, and there is no redress.”
— Gore Vidal in The Decline and Fall of the American Empire

THE YEAR OF THE GREAT HOAX IS when millions of otherwise sensible people get the crazy notion that they are able to do something to shape the society they live in; when dupes are told, and being dupes believe, that they are electing a president. Nobody tells the dupes that they’re pawns; in fact, they’re called voters and they’re flattered and bribed, excited and entertained. Everybody joins in the game — newspapers, television, movie stars, wealthy novelists, even your friends. They all refer to the robot who’s going to be president by different names and even pretend that he’s different people!

In the year of The Great Hoax [ran my argument in 1972 when I wrote this], it was hard to find anything else to play, because the people who ran the game were trying to make sure nobody dropped out and all the others wouldn’t even talk about it.

The best place from which to watch the game is from the top of the nearby hillside. That’s where all the important people sit — the ones who don’t care which way it comes out, because whoever ‘wins’ will still maintain the important things of life: oil depletion allowances, bank rates, germ warfare research, agribusiness, imperialism, the space race.

From this hill, there’s rather an amusing view of the valley below. It’s much like the medieval battles that kings used to watch: dozens of knights on grey horses (a trick of the light makes them appear white close up) rushing around with banners waving, some with a handful of camp followers, others with countless throngs.

From time to time what at first had seemed like a minor rally on the sidelines suddenly surges forward, sweeping hundreds of foot soldiers with it. The crowd twists and turns as all try to see if one of the mounted men has a clear advantage and can make a run up the valley. Which is a dead end, of course.

In the year of the Great Hoax, there’s a role in the game for everybody, each according to his naiveté or cynicism. Some declare outright that one cipher is superior to another or else maintain that there’s virtually no difference between them (true) until the last moments of the game when they suddenly discover that more virtue resides in one quarter than the others (false).

    The all-important rule of the game is that it be confined to personalities: concepts and specifics are taboo. ‘Ending’ something (such as war or poverty) or ‘increasing’ something (the size of the Pentagon or welfare) may be advocated but the rules are insistent that as promises cannot — and will not — subsequently be kept, that they must not be identifiable.

    Mainly though, it’s important that the players keep their eyes on the board and don’t start thinking in terms of ‘ideas’ which might distract attention from the game itself or, heaven forbid, to the people atop the hill who are running it. Welcome to the Year of the Great Hoax.

[This column appeared in Other Scenes in 1972]

* * *

and now for something totally different…

THOSE FABULOUS JEWISH COMEDIANS
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein, and so many others.

There was not one single swear word in their comedy, writes Janet Wolfe.
Here are a few examples:

• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
• I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
• What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
• Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
• She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
• The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
• The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. “Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
• Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!”
  Patient: “I am 60!”
  Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
• Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
  Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
• A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
  The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
• Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
  They’re worth it.
• The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
• There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida,
“Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.
“The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
“The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”

“Force yourself,” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.

A-a-h! Memories of the good ol’ days.